10: The Plan.

I’ve decided to start writing my bucket list. And in case you don’t know what that is, it’s a list of things I want to do before I kick the bucket.

However, I can’t really think that far ahead. It’s hard enough thinking ten minutes into the future, much less fifty years. So instead of a full-blown “things to do before I die” list, I’m opting to join the ranks of people who have made a list of 101 things to do in 1,001 days. I guess it’s more of a short-term bucket list, then.

It’s going to be tough to come up with a good list for my 101 in 1,001, but I’ve found a couple of helpful places to look for inspiration and guidance. One is this eHow article, another is the Ning group for just this topic, and then there are lists abounding in the blogosphere where other people are attempting the same goal. So I have no shortage of help in thinking of good items to add. Now all I have to do is write it up.

I figure I’ll try to have the whole list written in the next week, maybe two. Once it’s done, I’ll officially start the 1001-day countdown, and I will put my list up here (also clickable in tabs up top).

Any suggestions for things I should add to the list are welcome and appreciated! Or, if you’ve made your own 101 in 1,001 list, tell me how you came up with it, and how it’s going!

I’m thinking I will try to categorize it somehow, and of course attempt to make every goal measurable. You know, “lose 15 pounds” versus “lose some weight.”

After yesterday’s little woe-is-me meltdown, I thought it was time to start thinking ahead, considering where I want to be in the next 1,001 days (about 2.75 years), and deciding on specific things I’d like to accomplish.

Here are a few things I’m already thinking of adding:

• Eliminate my school loans (currently about $20K, I think)
• Get down to 145 lbs and stay there (except if I get pregnant, of course)
• Write and send at least two letters per month – by snail mail!
• Travel to Scotland with Joe
• Get braces (hopefully on AND off in 1,001 days…but probably just on)
• Get my bead website running with regular posts, and…
• …stock up my Etsy shop and start promoting it to make some money!
• Get back into the habit of writing in a prayer journal (daily/weekly?)
• Start a birthday calendar like my mom has, and send out birthday cards to family and close friends (and blog friends!)
• …and I’m out.

This is going to be a tough list to compose. Seriously, send along your tips, suggestions, words of wisdom, anything!

9: Who I Want to Be.

Can I be real for a minute?

And by be real I mean “reluctantly confess my suckitude.”

And by a minute I mean “possibly a lot longer than a minute.”

So, can I?

 

Okay. Thanks.

 

I’m not who I want to be.

I’m not doing what I want to do.

“What are you waiting for?” you ask. “Start being who you want to be, doing what you want to do,” you say.

Well, I would. In fact, I would really LOVE that. But, while I know I’m not who I want to be, I don’t know who I DO want to be. While I’m not doing what I want to do, I don’t have the first clue what I DO want to do.

I am completely dissatisfied with my job. I am not fulfilled or enriched by what I do 40 hours of the week, and I am not fulfilled or enriched by much of what I do outside those 40 hours, mostly because those 40 hours take so much out of me that I just don’t have it in me to seek things that are fulfilling or enriching.

I don’t feel like I’m being a very good newlywed. I haven’t learned to cook much of anything, I’m terrible at keeping things clean and organized, and I don’t give my husband the kind of energy and attention that a brand new wife should give. (Who knew marriage wasn’t an effortless walk in the park, eh?)

I’ve caught myself complaining and talking negatively a lot more often than I’ve managed to say anything uplifting or hopeful or positive. I don’t like how easy it has become for me to be so pessimistic. And I really, REALLY don’t like how it makes Joe so frustrated, feeling like anything he tries to do or say to encourage me is immediately shot down by my lack of faith in myself.

 

Lack of faith in myself. When did that happen?

 

I guess it’s kind of been happening slowly since I graduated in 2007. I keep thinking over the decisions I made about my education, and trying to remember what my motivation was. Trying to remember if I ever really knew what I wanted to “do” after college. I keep reminding myself how pointless my entire college career seems to have been, since I have gotten nowhere with my degree.

(And, okay, maybe the people I work for now are glad that I have a degree…but I’m pretty sure I’m one of very few admins — glorified secretaries, really — who has a Bachelor’s degree. Anyone could do what I do.)

What if I had stuck with my high school dream of becoming a journalist?

What if I had taken time before launching into a four-year university to attend some community courses, to get a taste of different possibilities, to save some money by getting the Gen Ed out of the way at a fraction of the cost I ended up paying at a private Christian university?

And what is it about asking for help that seems so impossibly hard for me?

I’ve managed to express my frustration to Joe, but then when he offers suggestions I knock them down.

“No, I don’t want to be a technical writer. I probably couldn’t do it anyway.”

“No, I shouldn’t go back to school for something different, at least not until I know what I really want.”

“No, I can’t talk to my boss about my dissatisfaction with being an admin and how I would like to look into another position within the company. He doesn’t have time to talk to me about that.”

 

I guess what it seems to boil down to is fear. I am afraid to ask for help because I don’t know what to do when I get it. I don’t know what kind of career to pursue. I don’t know how to put my talents and passions and skills to use in a way that will make enough money, make any sort of impact, and make me feel happy about going to work every day.

And maybe I’m even afraid that if I DO find the perfect career and I fall completely in love with it, I’ll forget that one of the ONLY things I know I DO want to do in life is be a mother. And I don’t want to be at the height of a great career and find myself pregnant and having mixed feelings about it. As if the child growing inside of me might hinder me from furthering some stupid career I’ve become caught up in.

I mean, I really don’t see that stuff happening. Which is maybe why it’s so hard to find motivation to search for a career, knowing that when the day comes that I get to hold my own child in my arms, I won’t have the slightest hesitation to leave whatever prestigious position I’ve worked toward for however many years. Knowing that a career is more or less a thing to do while I wait for the time to be right to do what I was MADE to do.

So maybe I do have the first clue what I want to do. Who I want to be. I want to be a mother. But the problem is timing. Right now, we’re not ready to be parents. We have  plans to execute first.

Debt to kill. Money to save. Newlyweddedness to enjoy. We need to get into a bigger place. I need braces.

Should I just suck it up and stay where I am? I make really good money. My job is not very difficult. Benefits are great. The people I work with are generally agreeable.

Maybe I just need to quit complaining. Quit thinking about what I DON’T like about this place, and try to find the good stuff.

Maybe I need to take a class I never considered taking.

Maybe I need to live like motherhood is not a definite, because who knows? Maybe I won’t ever have kids. Or maybe it’s just a lot farther off than I’m anticipating.

 

This post has gone in a completely different direction than I meant for it to go. But I guess it’s what’s on my mind.

Because I’m feeling really selfish today. Me, me, me.

See? Suckitude.

Here’s what I know I DON’T want to be:

• I don’t want to be a negative person.
• I don’t want to be a pessimist.
• I don’t want to be a nagging, unpleasant wife.
• I don’t want to be mindlessly marking time until motherhood.
• I don’t want to be unhappy for 40 plus hours every week.
• I don’t want to be a disappointment to anyone — least of all my husband, and second to least of all, myself.
• I don’t want to be wishing I had done things differently years from now.
• I don’t want to be an admin.
• I don’t want to be a rocket scientist.
• I don’t want to be a complete waste of intelligence, ideas and creativity.
• I don’t want to be a bummer to be around.
• I don’t want to be the kind of person who is always thinking about what she isn’t, what she can’t, what she lacks, what she dislikes.
• I don’t want to be a buzzkill.
• I don’t want to be a cynic.
• I don’t want to be stagnant.
• I don’t want to be forgotten.
• I don’t want to be a bunch of unused potential.

I don’t want to be who I’m not. And I’m NOT the kind of person who only thinks about what sucks about her life. When did I let myself think I could survive as that person?

I want to be grateful, joyful, optimistic and unselfish. I want to be bubbly. I want to be ME.

I just need to find her again.

8: Happy Birthday Mom!

Today is my mom’s 50th (plus one) birthday! Yay! And it’s also Joe’s and my three-month-iversary! Yay again!

And in honor of these two special events, I have decided to delay the mysterious, evasive “better” post for one more day.

See you tomorrow.

7: Did I say “better”? I meant “cheddar.”

I have a sneaking suspicion that if I don’t post something now, I won’t get a chance to sit in front of the computer until well past midnight. So, though I promised you last night that today would bring a “better” post, I really can’t make that happen since Joe and I have to be out the door in about 3.7 seconds.

Instead, I’ll extend yesterday’s haiku with a little tribute to my friend, cheddar cheese. (And maybe, just maybe, I’ll have an ACTUALLY better post tomorrow.)

White or extra sharp,
Shredded, grated or all sliced,
Cheddar is divine.

6: Haiku Friday, because I’m a slacker.

Seems like today kind of ran away from me. So, since I refuse to fail this early on in NaBloPoMo, I’m taking the easy(ish) route and reviving, just this once, Haiku Friday. Get ready.

NaBloPoMo is
A challenge I will attempt
Since last year, I failed.

To my credit, though,
Last year, I heard about it
On November fourth.

I was doomed before
I had a chance to begin;
I called it “practice.”

This year, it’s for real
And this year, I won’t slack off…
Except just this once.

Happy Friday! Stay tuned for a (hopefully) better post tomorrow.